Regret and Lessons

I seem to want to write these posts late at night (or early in the morning actually---it's 1:30 in the morning.) One of the interesting things I have discovered since Ian has been living out of the house, is that I have started staying up very, very late. It's almost a rebellious thing; I had been on a strict schedule where I had to get up every morning early when Ian did, so I couldn't afford to stay up late. Now I can stay up as late as I want to, AND sleep in until noon or later, so by gum, I'm going to! I usually surf the net or read, and I find I really enjoy this alone time. It's quiet and dark and there are no demands on me. I think that it sometimes annoys my family, but that hasn't prompted me to change this behavior yet. Perhaps I will get over this stage, and start sleeping and waking at normal times, but right now I am reveling in the freedom of being able to do this one small thing.

I was thinking about regrets. Regrets I have about how I've managed this journey through autism land. Mostly, I think I've done the best I could do, and I certainly have enough love for Ian to fill an ocean, but there are regrets. The biggest one is that always, in the very deep, dark, cobwebby recesses of my mind, I was often thinking "I wish I didn't have to do this...." If that is your refrain, it causes secret resentment, which leads to exhaustion and bitterness. Sort of the "Why Me?" syndrome. I would have saved SO much energy, spiritually and physically, to have just waived my inner white flag, and accepted all the way to the bottom my heart that this was what it WAS, and then just go about doing the next best thing I needed to do. I always "knew" intellectually that this was the path that God had given me, and as such, it was the very best path for me,  but I think there was always a small child having a tantrum in the deep, dark parts of my consciousness that just absolutely did NOT want to accept this journey. Imagine a two-year old flailing around on the ground shouting "NO, NO, NO!" and that pretty much illustrates what I was going through. I wish I had learned the lesson of acceptance, trust and faith much earlier. I think I'm beginning to learn it with my husband's health issues, ongoing issues with Ian's living arrangement and his periodic behavioral problems, and my own health stuff....better late than never.

I think that for parents that are still in the thick of raising autistic children--those that are still in the trenches---it would be wise to learn to let go of the yearning for a "normal" child early on, acknowledge that there IS resistance to what "is", but move beyond it to acceptance. If one is spiritual, one can give it all over (and I mean REALLY give it all over) to God, and trust that He will give you the tools you need when you need them. Not that it's ever easy. And  having a large support system is definitely essential to accomplish this. That is where there is a huge failure in our country. So many families feel so utterly alone in their journey, and that feeling can lead to depression and despair. It really DOES take a village to raise these children, and I don't think it's too much to ask for funding to be made available to insure that families are getting the help they need. It's all about priorities. There is always enough money available for sports facilities; there needs to be money available for struggling families. Well, I'll get off my soap box now.

Acceptance, Peace, Trust, Faith. All these things I wish I had soaked in and made a part of my life long ago. I would have been much more centered during the hardest parts of this journey. And maybe that's true for all of us no matter what challenges we face.