There is a new hole in Ian's closet. Why is this hole there? Because my son had a meltdown, started hitting himself in the head, screaming, and smashing the door to his room into his closet over and over. This episode happened out of the blue according to his caregiver. One moment he was fine, and the next he was yelling and banging himself in the head. Sometimes we know what causes these meltdowns, but often they remain a mystery. Our current theory is that his headaches are becoming more frequent, and he doesn't understand or know how to communicate to us the pain he is experiencing. When I visited him in the evening, he seemed fine (his caregiver had given him some ibuprofen), but during his evening snack, he suddenly became very teary and sad looking, and started hitting his ears. So we took an educated guess and gave him another pain medication which is a bit stronger. We think it did the trick, because he chose a movie and laid down on the couch and was quite peaceful for the rest of my visit.

While he was watching his video, I noticed that he was rubbing the back of his head, so I took my fingers and gently stroked his neck and head. He seemed to really enjoy that, and he also wanted me to stroke his legs as well. When he had enough, he just pushed my hands away. After the stroking session, he took off my socks (he often does that as a sign he wants me to stay longer), and noticed they were a bit nubbly on the inside and enjoyed the feel of the nubs. I put them on his hands like gloves, and he thought that was a wonderful idea. It was so cute watching him rub the socks together and enjoy the interesting feel of the texture of the nubs.

Later on, it was apparent that the medicine had kicked in, and he seemed to be out of pain, and feeling much more content, so at that point I gave him a kiss goodnight, grabbed the laundry (I am currently doing the boys' laundry as they discovered roach feces in the used apartment washer and dryer they were using...yuck!) and went home.

One of the most frustrating aspects of Ian's autism is his inability to tell us when he is in pain, or sad, or angry. When he has these feelings, the only thing he knows to do is to lash out, either destroying property, or becoming physically aggressive to himself or others. We have tried many different techniques to try and help him learn to express himself without damaging property or himself, but so far nothing has really worked. The episodes themselves are (thankfully) becoming less frequent as he ages, but they still occur, and it still breaks my heart every time. The best solution is to be vigilant and watch him carefully if he starts to get a bit agitated, and then try some interventions before he explodes. With caregiver turnover being so common and frequent, it is hard to get the consistency that he needs. This is where prayer and trust come in for me. Knowing that my son is in the palm of God's hand, and that He loves Ian more than I ever could imagine, and understands just what he is feeling, and that He will give us the wisdom to help him when we need it---well, that makes all the difference in the world.

I have to surrender the notion that I am going to figure this all out once and for all, and that all our problems will be over. No. God gives us what we need one day at a time, and the future is in His hands. Living with uncertainty is hard, but it's what we are called to live with. It's a good exercise in faith. So, I put my hand in the hand of the man who stilled the water, love my mysterious child, and forge ahead. Keep Calm and Carry On!