Lather, Rinse, Repeat

That phrase, commonly found on the back of shampoo bottles, pretty much sums up our lives with Ian. I'm not sure how much new information I can convey on this blog---each day flows into the next with only minor variations on a common theme: How do we make it through another day with the fewest meltdowns, the happiest possible Ian, and the least stressed out parents. Some days are more gracefully lived than others. Some days I want to shout "I've had it! That's it! Someone else take up the mantle of parent-of-severely-autistic-child from now on!" I'm not particularly proud of these moments, but I acknowledge that I am human and not near being the saint I wish I were--so I have these moments. But as a very dear friend pointed out once to me---I consistently "show up." I'm here. I love him. Even when he is pulling my hair. Even when he screams so loud my ears ring. Even when he lies thrashing in our bed distressed beyond imagining by something we can't even guess at. Even when we have to wrap him up in a blanket and sit on him to try to chase away these anonymous fears. Yes, even when he poops and smears it all over his room. I love him.

So---another day passes with "the bug", and the grace of God whose love "passeth all understanding" keeps me going.  And the love of friends and family, and by the extreme good fortune of having the help of a wonderful caregiver and her family (thank you, thank you, Kandace!) Here's hoping the state continues to acknowledge our need for help. It really does take a village to raise Ian.

It's been 14, almost 15 years since diagnosis. God give us the strength to keep "showing up."

The picture above was taken several years ago---here are a few more for your perusal:

Another picture from several years ago--he is with his sister and Dad lurks in the background.

When he had hair!

When he was going through a particularly bad phase of pinching himself and pulling out his hair. Now he always has a Marine haircut to prevent the pulling. The pinching has actually been better lately---thank goodness!

Iced in

It's been an intriguing couple of days here. Due to incredibly inclement weather (tons of freezing rain), most of the city has been closed down. My day care center even closed down, and that's a first in the nearly 4 1/2 years I've been working there. I'm looking out my window at the ice-covered trees sparkling like diamonds in the frosty air. It is quite beautiful, although quite treacherous if you are driving. Most people aren't driving---many businesses and schools are closed. I haven't emerged from the house in two days--and spent all of yesterday in my jammies. We still have our power, plenty of food, and most amazingly---no Ian.

He has spent the last two nights at his caregiver's house as we deemed it too risky to drive and fetch him. So we have been experiencing an uncanny quiet here at the McGrew house. Really, it's very weird. Usually when we are sans Ian, we are on vacation--it is very rare that we have days in a row here at home without him. I can't get over the quiet (did I mention that it was uncanny?) I keep thinking "so this is how it would be if Ian were normal." I know that isn't the most productive thought in the world, and I try to squelch it. The danger is, I could really get used to this! But I can't allow myself to get used to this, because Ian will be back in a few hours and all the chaos and noise will come back too. I do find that I miss my little bug, and I will be glad to see him, but oh! The peace! The serenity! The lack of having to lock all the doors and cabinets and refrigerator! Most importantly, SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT! That is the most lovely thing of all---to know that there is no need to get up frequently to check on Ian, to change his poopy diaper, to clean up any smearing, etc., etc. Really, it is bliss.

But how interesting the human heart---I miss my little man (well, not so little on the outside, but forever little on the inside), and look forward to giving him a big hug when he returns. Then it's back to the pterodactyl noises, the hyperactivity, the mess, the vigilance. But also there will be love. Lots and lots of love.

In the meantime, you can bet your life I'm soaking in the peace. And I'm STILL in my jammies. I just may make it to the shower---who knows? ;-)