Some introspective thoughts of a deep and somewhat morose nature---but with good stuff too, like LOVE

Well, it's a new year with the beginnings of all the usual changes and challenges, joys and opportunities. It's been a bit rough for me psychologically and physically, as I have been feeling a real anticlimax with the end of Christmas, and the blah weather. Gray, gloomy, and cold have never been my friends. Also, my chronic headaches have decided to ratchet up a few notches, and I have had several days of severe pain. I notice that when I carry around my granddaughter too much, I get headaches. This is a source of sadness to me as I LOVE to carry, hug and cuddle her. I guess I will have to hold her sitting down, and of course this seems like a simple solution, but the idea that it hurts me physically to carry her bums me out. Because of the pain, I had to take lots of Prednisone (along with my other pain meds), and that always makes me grouchy and weepy. And upon whom do I take out my grouchiness? Well, upon my long-suffering husband of course. And when I gripe at him, I feel guilty, and then I feel more grouchy, and then you have the vicious cycle. Sigh. Thank the good Lord, I am always aware that these feelings are fleeting (This Too Shall Pass), and I will feel better eventually. It's pretty crappy when I am in the middle of this muddle, but at least I am aware that it's temporary.

Lots of new stuff on the Ian front. He will be moving at the end of the month to a three-person apartment with two other young men with autistic-like behaviors. This means saying good-bye to his current roommate Ron, who I love to pieces. Fortunately, he will be living in the same apartment complex as Ian, so hopefully I will be able to see him from time to time. I do worry that this change will be hard on Ian. Although he is uncharacteristically good about changes (for a person with autism), there are usually some issues with any big ones. And this is a BIG one.

My heart strings were pulled the other day when a caregiver told me that when Ian is told that I am coming to visit, he will stand at his window looking out waiting for me. Sometimes it seems that he doesn't really seem to need me to visit him, but that's only because he expresses his feelings so much differently than "normals" do. My husband had to drop something off yesterday, and not having time to stay, wanted to do it without Ian knowing he was there. Unfortunately, Ian was in his room which faces the parking lot, and John saw him through his window. My husband quickly got back in the car, and asked the person who was driving to deliver the item he was dropping off, hoping that Ian had not seen him. Later on I called to see how Ian was doing and told them about the item outside the door, and the caregiver said "Oh, that must be why Ian was tapping on the window." I can tell you, I got tears in my eyes when I heard that. He had seen my husband, and was greeting him. How can these things not just tear your heart out?

In my more morose and pessimistic moments, I obsess over and worry about the time when John and I die--- that there will be no one to love our son as much as we do, which breaks my heart. When I am aware of these thought and feelings, I turn it over as quickly as possible to God with the assurance that He loves Ian even more completely than we ever could imagine. Somehow, I have the faith that it will work out, and that Ian will always have love in his life. In the meantime, we will love him with everything that is in us, and do the best we can for him while we are still here. Faith and Trust are such important and vital things for us on this journey with autism.

Love the people in your lives. It's so important. You don't have to "do" much; just be the loving presence that God wants you to be. Life is fleeting, and we are not assured of a tomorrow, so get on with the loving while you can. My favorite motto is "Life is a school, Love is the lesson." Amen and amen.