The Learning Curve, and how Awful I am!

Oy Vey. Heavy Sigh. This post is not really going to be about Ian in a straightforward way, but kind of tangentially about him. Mostly this post is about exploring my number one phobia, which is learning about new technology. I'm sure for most people, it's laughable that I get so very upset about learning how to use computers and cell phones, but I do. I morph into this incredibly unpleasant, demanding, whining, tantrum-throwing, exasperating two-year old brat whenever I'm confronted by learning something new technology-wise.

One of the things I would like to do with this blog, is to insert videos occasionally into the text. That sounds relatively simple, doesn't it? The thought of learning this skill, however, sends me into a tailspin. If the learning part doesn't come easily, or if it takes a bit of time, I can't seem to find even a shred of patience. And who do I take all this out on? My long-suffering husband. I behave toward him in ways I would never even dream of behaving toward a stranger. I bark, I sulk, I pout, I get sarcastic, I get angry, I flounce away....essentially, I am icky. I always apologize after my outbursts, but WHY am I like this? I'm tired of being such an a**hole to my husband, who, by the way, never gets angry in return. What makes it a million times worse at this time, is that he is suffering with debilitating physical problems that make it very hard for him to work on computers. His eyes are constantly shutting due to muscle spasms, and when he tries to talk to explain things to me, he has to work very hard to speak clearly due to the same spasms. So here was the scenario tonight: John settled in to watch one of his favorite holiday movies "It's a Wonderful Life", which I sat down with him to watch also. Then I started thinking about the whole video thing (I took some short videos of Ian at his apartment this evening), and wanted to upload them to my blog. So I sneaked off to try and learn it myself. Of course I got immediately bogged down, so I kept interrupting John to come and help me. And then I got impatient with his help, and started the barking, sulking, pouting, etc. Did John complain? He did not. He tried to go back to his video, and I probably interrupted him three or four more times. No complaints from hubby. I finally reluctantly gave up, watched the very end of the movie with him, and THEN started to feel the niggling of guilt. Always the guilt. So I apologized profusely, he forgave me, and all was well.

I SO much want to stop this cycle! No more fear of learning, no more impatience, no more bad behavior, and no more need to apologize. May I say Oy Vey again? May I? OY VEY! I'm pretty sure I know where this started; my mother gets very anxious and upset when she has to learn about anything technical, and my dad doesn't like it either. She flips out and yells, has a meltdown, and then always apologizes. Sound familiar? I have taken on this same characteristic. I am a TOTAL Ludite, and I take prisoners with my crappy attitude (well, I take John my prisoner.)

So---there will probably be videos on this blog eventually. My sincere prayer is that I will learn to learn without being a brat and making John miserable in the process. It's not worth it. My heart and soul want to be nothing but kind to the man who is so kind and patient with ME. Jesus wants that too, and I want to please Him. What else matters in life but to be kind to and love the people that mean the most to us? So, those who pray, pray for me. It's really a silly problem, but it IS a problem. I pray that I can move into the 21st Century with some dignity and class. Oy Vey.