Grist for the mill

I did a great deal of thinking yesterday (I know, very dangerous)--mostly about things spiritual. When I strip away all that is nonessential in my life, I see that my goal is really very simple, yet also very profound: I want to become a channel of God's love in the world. I know that sounds crazy-ish (yes, that is now a new word), but it really is my goal. How far have I come in attaining this goal? Not very far. At all. The rubber hits the road in this regard with how you behave to the people who are closest to you---in my case, my husband. I can be just as sweet as pie with my co-workers and the children I take care of, and can start feeling very holy indeed, and then I come home and snap at my husband over something minor. Well, actually, usually something to do with Ian.

Ian needs to be checked at frequent intervals throughout the evening. We usually take turns doing this--but often I feel grumpy and put-upon and I sigh heavily when it is my turn. I want John to know what an imposition it is for me to get up from the comfy couch where I was reading (probably something of a spiritual nature--how ironic!) to go see what Ian is doing. It doesn't matter that John got up fifty times earlier--somehow I still feel miffed that I have to do it at all. Also, in dark moments (such as when Ian has just had a meltdown and pulled my hair, or smeared poop all over his room) I feel that somehow life has been incredibly unfair by giving me such an intensely difficult life. Like my life is more difficult than most people's. Ha! When I am wrapped in my cocoon of self-pity, I forget that  everyone has struggles and pain--it just may be of a different flavor than mine. But all is not lost! Hence the title of this post! All this is grist for the mill.

Here is the wikipedia definition for this phrase: The proverb "all is grist for the mill" means "everything can be made useful, or be a source of profit." There are some minor variations, such as "all's grist that comes to his mill", meaning that the person in question can make something positive out of anything that comes along.

If my goal is truly to become a channel of God's love (and I believe it is possible--God being God and all, he can use even a dented, tarnished instrument to play beautiful music), then everything that comes into my life is an opportunity to create a more open, more beautiful, more humble, more loving channel. Instead of fighting against the "slings and arrows", I invite them in with love and gratitude because they help create a space for transformation. Instead of being bitter and closed down, I am joyful and open. All this sounds very nice indeed, but sometimes it is just no fun at all. It means I must set aside my "agenda" and allow God's agenda to reign. I believe his agenda is always about creating more and more love in the world---so my desire to sit on the couch and read goes way down on the list of priorities.

All this being said, I acknowledge that there is a place and time for self-nurture. If one is depleted, one cannot be a very useful channel. That is why it is so important for John and I to get away together, and for each of us to do those things which give us joy personally (like reading on the couch), but not at the expense of the larger purpose--to be God's love in the world. Forget the world---let me be that love in my own home! And then I can tackle the world.

John and I have always said that Ian is our greatest teacher. He is our grist. He shows us the limits of our current reservoirs of patience, humor and love, and points the way to greater and greater oceans of these same attributes.

So, I have a long way to go, but I am not despondent or despairing. I believe that God can use even me, as I open myself more and more to the transforming power of his love.

Meanwhile---move over and make room on that comfy couch!