Last night John and I went to a Christmas "do" at one of his colleague's homes. As a side note that has nothing to do with Ian or autism, this is one of the coolest houses I've seen in a long time. The core of it was built in the '30s and then was added onto bit by bit to create this labyrinthine creation of surprising twists, turns and rooms. It is built on 4 acres in the middle of the city, but you feel quite secluded by the trees---there was a beautiful white mantle of snow over everything, and our shoes crunched very satisfactorily as we walked up to this magic house. Of course, the decor matched the whimsical nature of the home---it was all quite lovely.
Fast forward to coming home. Oy.
We were met at the door by our screaming, raging, nervous-wreck of a son. I can only guess that he wasn't expecting us to be so late (it was about 9:45 in the evening), and although his caregiver said he did fine while he was with his family, he promptly fell to pieces after he left. What usually helps in this situation is to get Ian on the couch, put a blanket over him, and "squish" him--meaning, I sit on the couch and lean on him. The squishing commenced, and we were watching a movie, when Ian's hand shot out and he grabbed a handful of my hair and ripped it out. Thankfully, it wasn't much hair, just the wispy parts that weren't secured by my ponytail holder, but wow, it HURT! What one wants to do in this situation is 1) yodel at the top of one's lungs, and 2)make sure the perpetrator (Ian) knows how very, very, VERY dissatisfied one is with this particular behavior. But we have found this very normal reaction is counter-productive. The more you show your frustration, the more his behavior escalates. The best thing to do is act like nothing happened.Trust me, when you see your son with a handful of your hair, this is hard. But I simply moved off the couch and went to sit next to John. I also put on a hat. When Ian was going through his really violent stage, we all wore hats. We were the hat family. I have very long hair, but Ian grabs for the hair on top of your head normally, so we have found that wearing hats is good preventative protection.
Fortunately, his little outburst was limited to that hair-pull and throwing some pillows around, and then he was O.K. (relatively). He was still anxious and hyperactive, but not violent. Soon we went upstairs to go "under" and all was well. This was a very small incident in the grand scheme of things, but I was a little dismayed as he hasn't pulled hair in a very long time. Sigh.
That's what John and I get for being party animals. ;-)
It's incredible that you can remain calm through all that aggression.
ReplyDeleteWhen our babies were small, we mushed them like a ball, kind of the precursor to the sitting on the big guy on the couch (well not on, but, a mushing of sorts). That compression helped a long time & for years they requested it.
My son is 7, nonverbal, voilent towards me and pulls my hair all the time:/ especially when I'm putting him on the bus. His hand shoots out and my hair just easily comes out:/ I've lost so much hair that half my hair volume is gone, and I'm noticing balding at the top of my head... Hats don't work... I just wonder if my hair will grow back...
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry I didn't respond to your comment kajo80. I thought I had deleted this whole blog, but apparently there is a reason it is still up. It can be incredibly frustrating when your child aggresses toward you. I hope you have learned some coping methods since you commented. Luckily (knock on wood) these behaviors have decreased as my son has aged, and I hope this turns out to be the same for you. You have my sympathy and my empathy. My hair HAS grown back (although at times I had weird wispy growths as it started growing in) I hope you have a behaviorist who can give you pointers. I think when our children are non-verbal, it is so frustrating for them that they just lash out. My prayers are with you.
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