I have never aspired to be Martha Stewart. I would like my home to be relatively neat and attractive, but decorating, colors, furniture placement, draperies and fripperies are just not my thing. It seems to be more important to my husband, so I am happy to let him make most decorating decisions. He has a good eye. He, on the other hand, thinks this needs to be a cooperative adventure, so he encourages my involvement. So, I have wandered furniture stores trying to have an opinion about sofas that look incredibly similar to me. But this is all beside the point. The point being (yes, there is a point!) that our decorating decisions are completely determined by what we call "The Ian Factor." All furniture and decorating decisions have to pass the Ian test. Is there a possibility that Ian could dismantle, chew, rip, shred, eat, or stain the item concerned? If the answer is yes, we pass on to the next item. We obviously have learned this through trial and error. Lots of error. We have gone through 3 sofa sets. Ian tore the stuffing out of the first two sofas because the cushions were removable. We now have a sofa set that does not have removable cushions thus making it Ian resistant (we always say resistant, not Ian proof---that would just be tempting the gods!) For a long time, before we could save up enough money to purchase new couches, we wrapped the torn, stuffing-depleted cushions in blankets and secured them with diaper pins---it was just sooooo chic! We also had to put clear plastic strips on all the corners in the house, including the windows, as Ian took a shine to chewing on all available corners. It looked like a giant mutant squirrel lived in our house. In the basement, we had to create a room for our storage and the cats' litter boxes. One day we found Ian happily strewing litter and cat poop all around the basement---hence the new room. He also tore out the insulation in the basement. We tried all sorts of wiley ways to keep him from doing this, but he out witted us every time. We finally decided just to take it all out. Not as energy efficient, but better on his tummy (yes, he ate it.) Ian's room has had the most renovations: we had to take out all of his furniture (he would take out all the drawers from his dresser and scatter his clothes about, he would drag his mattress off the bed, he tore his curtains down.) He also pooped and peed so often on his carpet, that we had it replaced once, and then we decided to just put down hardwood floors (they are "distressed" so if [and when] he throws his toys on the floor, scratches will be relatively undetectable.) He also has put great gouges in his walls, so these have been spackled and painted many times. I call his room the "mad monk" room, as it is very spare with just wrestling mats and blankets on the floor. All the upstairs bedrooms and the bathroom have locks on them so that Ian can't get in and do his thing. Woe to us if we leave a room unlocked! He once went through a phase of flushing items down the toilet. John became very adept at snaking out most items, but one time he just couldn't get whatever Ian had tossed down there and a plumber was called.Two hundred plus dollars and once pencil later, the toilet could be flushed again.
Now that it's Christmas, the usual Christmas decoration issues have begun. John loves Christmas. I mean he really, really LOVES it. He trims the tree within an inch of its life and has lots of baubles and bangles all through the house. Over the years we have tried to train Ian not to swipe items off the tree, but it's still a favorite pastime. Every now and then we will see him furtively creeping away from the tree with something in his hand---we say "Ian! Put it back!", and he reluctantly puts the coveted ornament back on the tree. This year he has two new behaviors. He has taken a fancy to biting the legs off the animals in my nativity scene (we have lots of lame and/or glued together sheep), and he seems to enjoy the fake berries on our festive Christmas centerpiece. But maybe he knows something we don't--the cat also likes to eat the centerpiece! Hmmm---maybe I should have a little nibble myself?
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